MA: A Guilty Guardian Angel

It has always been just my brother and I. Always, even when that man took us off the streets, but never truly cared for us. Maybe that was when we began to crave something. Anything. An emotion? A love? Kirit was always foolish, jumping to conclusions and nearly getting us locked away on many occasions, but… This time it was my fault. So my fault.

The guilt is eating away at me, consuming me.

Why did I do this?

We needed the money. Our little brothers were growing sick and the kind Flareon and Dewgong couldn't help for ever.

We were starving.

I'm so hungry and scare. I can't even think straight. All I saw was the poster on the street light. The paper bellowing in the wind, fluttering along the empty streets of the underground. Reaching up, having to stand on my tip toes, I took the paper, never even noticing that my brother stood behind me.

"Kishi?"

Whipping around, eyes widening and a smile on my face, I held it out. My tail flicked back and forth happily, his eyes softening slightly, pitying me. My own brother pitied me. I could only wonder why… I knew why and maybe I tried to appear strong like him, but we both knew I was growing weaker just like the younger ones. I would get sick. Coughing. Fevers. My body was slowly shutting down.

"You should go back home Kishi… Aiden is out looking for food."

I just shook my head, continuing to hold the paper in my hands that trembled from the cold. I could see my breath coming out in soft pants, my dirty hands holding the torn parchment. Was this our saving grace? Would we be safe?

"Kirit!"

My voice cracked, matted, messy black hair falling into my eyes and I tried to give a smile, but it hurt. My chest hurt from the cold air and I know I was trembling more now. I held out the wanted poster with shaky hands, shuddering as his warm finger tips grazed mine. Kirit was always warm, just like Aiden. They protected us. Always covering up for my mistakes. I mess up a lot and this decision we were about to make was one of my worse and greatest.

We were going to kidnap rebellion prince. Vasska.

The cocky grin that spread across his lips was that of pleased manner. He was proud of me. I had done something right.

"Hm… Very well, let's go visit this prince… A sick, dying prince."

I watched as the espeon known as my brother turned away and began to walk down the street. A pang in my heart caught me off guard and I froze. The prince…was sick? Why was the prince sick? Frowning, he stood still, shivering from the tattered rags that I wore and didn't help keep the cold in.

Cold and hungry… Sick… Tired…

My mind and conscious were at war. Was it right for us to capture this dying creature? The hunger and cold won to my shame. We were going to kidnap the prince.

I don't remember much now that I think about it, except for the guilt that slowly ate away at my soul. It ached. Cried. It'd leave me with fitful, feverish sleeps, bringing dark shadows to my mind.

I was convinced demons were out to get me for this ghastly deed we were about to commit. Kirit didn't seem to mind though, he just always had that over confident smile on his face. At times, I wanted to reach over and swipe it off his face. Shout at him. Scream, but that wasn't my place. My brother was more dominant then me and wasn't afraid to show it when his temper wasn't right. He loved me. I know he did. The way he would hold me, cradle me close on cold nights and whisper softly in my ears, trying banish away whatever plagued my mind.

I loved him.

I loved him so much and didn't wish to leave him.

My brother was everything to me. The world!

So when we walked up to the tall, concrete gates of estate the suicune was living, I stood by his side. It was my place. I was to always stand by his side.

"B-brother…"

At the sound of my stutter, he reached over and took my cold, shivering hand in his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. It was a comforting gesture. One that warmed me to my core and sent a small shiver down my spine. A loving gesture that was only for me. Just like that gentle smile was just for me. It was mine. No one else's. Bunching up my muscles, I launched over the wall with ease, thinking this was going to be easy.

I was hidden in the trees, my brother not with me just yet and it was then that I almost backed out. That I almost broke down and cried. The very being were suppose to take was so pure. Beautiful. Nothing like me or my brother. We were awful beings, but…

Vasska…

Vasska was beautiful, even in poor health. The way he smiled and talked softly with the guard beside him. The fleeting touches, fluttering eyes and leaning against the older umbreon with almost an fondness.

I could sense it about him. Vasska was untouchable. No one could have him, not even us. He was so far out of reach and a pang shot through  my heart.

I wanted that… I wanted the loving smile, the warm, gentle touches. A mother's touch. That is what I thought of him. He was the perfect mother in my mind. Someone who would wrap you up in his arms and just rock to you to sleep.

Though, my time to dwell on these thoughts were short.

Tears dripped down my cheeks, eyes  following my brother as he landed on the ground in front of him.

I had to help him. Stand by his side.

The older umbreon moved towards us, threatening and gently pushing the prince away. I wanted to scream no, run towards the pale creature and jump into his arms. I knew that wasn't right though. Kirit wouldn't be happy and from the looks this man gave us, I'd be dead.

I really wanted to cry, but I held in the tears and stood.

My heart raced, fighting off the bile that rose in my throat. Why were we even going to try this… Why?

"You hurt big brother!" I screamed, trying to reach out for him as he attacked. A snarl ripped through my throat, tears in my eyes as I tried to help him stand. Kirit was so much bigger then me. Stronger then me.

I was so positive that my brother would have been hurt more. Killed. Both of us killed, if it wasn't for that soft voice that spoke from behind the older and defiantly stronger umbreon.

"Let's go... Now... Please. You wounded them and they are just boys."

So… Did the suicune control the mean man? Maybe not mean? Scary? Protective? Ya… Protective, defiantly that one.

I think my brain momentarily shut down at that point. All I know what that Kirit was hurt and I couldn't do anything.

Guilt swelled once more, making it to where I wished to throw up.

I don't remember how we ended up in his room. I don't know how… and I don't care… It was warm and I got to curl up in a bed. My hands were bound, ears flopped in defeat and warm tears slowly spilled down my cheeks. I was scared now… Sorry… Hungry… And Kirit was not helping. His anger and tongue were only to get us in more trouble. So much more trouble. I heard a slap of his tail hitting the other's face and then his warmth. Kirit was next to me.

Cold metal was snapped around my wrists, tying me to the bed. I was scared. So scared. I knew I shouldn't be. It was my fault. My fault we had gotten caught.

"I'll get you out of here. It's a promise," my brother whispered.

I must have looked bad for him to say that.

My body flinched when warm hands touched me, eyes wide, fearful, almost dead. I know this, because my brother spoke often about my facial expressions. He said there is now life within my face. Maybe that is what this man thought as I stared up at him? The man was touching me, kissing me and asked if I could be a good kitty. I wanted to cry. Scream. I was so scared.

Where was Kirit?

I froze though when the man said he wouldn't hurt me and I stared up at him with calm eyes. A gift I guess. No matter how much I was tormented on the inside, I would look calm on the outside. I asked if he wouldn't hurt me and was so confused. We threatened the one he loved... And yet... He wouldn't hurt me. I just felt bliss. Warmth. For a few seconds, my guilt was washed away. Someone didn't blame me in those short moments.

I had later learned that the umbreon was named Nox and was in love with the prince.

Strange really.

Though, that is also my fault.

I should not have said anything. I should have minded my own business and let everything takes it own course, but... Nox looked so sad. He was suffering, wasn't he?

It was my fault that his heart broke. Vasska left. He was healed and left.

Nox looked so sad... So very sad.

I tried hard to cheer him up, but... I'm nothing more then a guilty child. So guilty. It was then that the nightmares began to rise, shrouding me in a world of torment. I never told anyone that they haunted me. That I was scared to be alone.

I just stood quietly to the side, trying to keep my brother calm. It wasn't working though. Nox and Kirit were always fighting. Always.

When I found you, Nox, outside of the bar, drunk to no end, I'm positive my heart broke. I cried so hard for you, because I knew I was the reason you and Vasska couldn't be together. I promised you that he'd love you, but oh wrong was I... With very little sleep, I took on the task of being your guardian angel. Protecting you.

I had to make you happy.

Vasska came back though and stayed this time. I thought everything would be good, settled. Everything would be peaceful.

I was wrong.

So wrong.

Kirit grew worse, lashing out at Nox in almost a battle for dominance. It was scary... Very scary...

I cried a lot those days, locking myself up in my room and crying. Everything was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was cry... My nightmares steadly grew worse to where I no longer slept, just stayed seated in my room. Soon, they even haunted me in the days. I never even fully registered that Vasska was pregnant. I know I knew, but... They wouldn't allow me to happy. I was so scared of them.

Maybe that is when I started to do stupid things...

I got kidnapped, but I didn't care... I got mugged, but didn't care... I went to town without anyone's permission, but I didn't care. I was almost raped...

But Nox wouldn't allow that. No, he came for me. Held me close and protected me.

He had asked a friend to come and banish my nightmares away and it worked for a little while. I would never tell them this. The dreams only came back at full force. I'm still plagued by the darkness that plagues me. Kirit once told me, that guilt can ruin people.

Has my guilt ruin me? Is that why I can no longer sleep? Why I am tormented by these dreams that leave me screaming for help.

Am I my own personal nightmare?